Disclaimer: total mommy post here! For my friends who don't have children, this post is about breastfeeding which is probably not of any interest to you!
Today I have made a very hard personal decision for myself and C. I decided that we are going to wean from breastfeeding. I could literally cry thinking about it… but after much contemplation, I believe it is what's best for both of us. And my primary job is to do what's best for her. I wanted to post about it because I know several of my friends are breastfeeding and maybe going through the same thing, or will eventually. Maybe this will help me realize that some of you are feeling the same things, too.
I came to this decision this morning. For the past week, I have been pumping bottles daily for C to get ready for going back to work. I only breastfed her for the middle of the night and early morning feedings. But on Monday, I started to notice I was pumping less than I usually did. I was only pumping 2-3 oz. combined every 3 hours.. which is definitely not enough to keep up with her. Of course I panicked and starting drinking even more water and continued to take my Fenugreek vitamins. But by Tuesday night I wasn't seeing a difference. After talking to a couple of friends, I figured that pumping exclusively was causing my supply to go down so I needed to start breastfeeding her every feeding. Wednesday and Thursday we breastfed around the clock. Each and every time was a struggle for her and for me too. She has always been a great latcher from the start, but every time she would start feeding she would start kicking and squirming from the get-go. I think she latched/unlatched 4-5 times on each side every feeding, crying after each time. I ended up bottle feeding her 2 oz. of pumped milk to finish each feeding because I wasn't sure if she was full. Talk about exhausting. I would start each feeding being calm and by the end I was almost in tears. This is not the mother/baby bond we had the first few weeks.. this is watching my baby girl be hungry and my body wasn't giving her what she needed.
This isn't the only reason that I decided to wean. I know this might sound selfish, but I think I will be a much calmer and more focused mama when we switch to formula completely. I spend all day worrying about breastfeeding! I worry about finding time to pump because she is a huge sleep fighter and my whole day is spent trying to get her to sleep and feeding her. I worry about going back to work and producing enough. I also worry about her never getting enough even when I know I feel my like my breasts are full! Talk about worry… I need to get on medication, right? I haven't been able to enjoy her nearly as much as I would like to because of the worries of breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong.. I have thoroughly enjoyed the first 8 weeks of her life and getting to feed her from my body! It has been so rewarding and the bonding that we have experienced I will never forget. My very favorite picture my mother took at the hospital was the first time we breastfed. It melts my heart. So yes, the guilt will be washing over me for the next few days and weeks… and I will probably cry a lot. It will be hard switching to formula and finding out which one works for her. Going through the days of her stomach adjusting and being gassy/constipated will not be fun. So please remember us in your prayers. Even though this may be trivial and something that will pass in time, it is huge to me. Hopefully we will make it.
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